Going to your first event in the lifestyle can feel exciting and a little nerve-racking in equal measure. That is completely normal. This guide walks you through what usually happens, so you can relax and enjoy yourself.
First, a reassuring thought
Almost everyone in the room remembers their own first time. Experienced members are usually delighted to welcome newcomers, and most events have a friendly, sociable feel, a bit like a party where everybody is happy to chat. You are never obliged to do anything other than turn up and enjoy yourself.
Before you go
Agree your plan together. If you are going as a couple, spend a few minutes beforehand agreeing how the evening might go. Many first-timers decide to simply have a drink, chat and see how it feels. That is a perfectly good plan, and you can always go home early.
Agree a signal. Choose a simple word or gesture that means "I would like to leave" or "I need a minute". It takes the worry out of the evening, because you both know you can step out at any time.
Read the event details. Check the venue, the start time, the dress code and any house rules. Organisers usually spell out their etiquette, and it is worth reading carefully.
Plan how you will get home. Arrange a taxi or a designated driver in advance, and keep your drinking sensible so you stay in control of your decisions.
What to wear
Most events suggest a dress code, often smart casual, smart or themed. When in doubt, dress as you would for a nice night out. Wear something you feel confident in, and choose comfortable shoes. Feeling good in what you are wearing makes it much easier to relax.
What usually happens on the night
Most evenings begin with a welcome, a drink and a lot of conversation. Many venues have a bar or social area where people chat, get to know each other and decide how they would like the evening to go. There is no rush. Plenty of people spend the entire first visit just chatting and getting a feel for the atmosphere.
If you meet people you click with, you might arrange to see them again, perhaps at another event or for a quiet drink. If you do not, that is fine too. Not every conversation leads anywhere, and that is part of the process.
How to say no politely
Learning to say no kindly is one of the most useful skills in the lifestyle, and it is welcomed rather than frowned upon. A few easy phrases:
- "Thank you, that is kind, but we are going to pass."
- "We are just here to chat tonight."
- "Not for us, but have a lovely evening."
You do not need to give a reason. A good person will smile and move on, and you can do exactly the same when someone says no to you.
Etiquette in a nutshell
- A clear yes from everyone involved is the only starting point.
- Respect the first answer. No means no, and so does "maybe later".
- Keep what you see and who you meet private. Discretion is a cornerstone of the lifestyle.
- Be polite to everyone, whether or not you are interested.
- Look after yourself and your partner, and check in with each other during the evening.
Afterwards
Take a little time the next day to talk about how it went. What did you each enjoy? Was anything uncomfortable? Would you do it again, and would you do anything differently? These chats help you grow in confidence and keep you both on the same page.
If you would like to meet a few people online before your first event, creating a profile is a relaxed way to say hello first and turn up knowing a friendly face or two.
Have a question? Our FAQ and glossary are a good place to start.