Everything good about the lifestyle rests on three simple things: consent, communication and respect. Get these right and you can relax, have fun and feel confident wherever you meet people. This guide covers the basics.
What consent really means
Consent is a clear, happy yes from everyone involved. It is not silence, it is not a shrug, and it is not an answer that has been pushed or pressured. A few points worth remembering:
- It must be enthusiastic. If someone seems unsure, take that as a no for now.
- It can change at any time. Someone can say yes at the start of an evening and change their mind later, and that is completely fine.
- It is specific. Agreeing to a chat does not mean agreeing to anything else.
- It cannot be given by someone who has had too much to drink. If in doubt, wait.
Talk about boundaries before you meet
For couples, the most important conversation happens before you meet anyone. Spend time agreeing together:
- What you are both comfortable with, and what is off limits.
- What happens if one of you wants to stop.
- How you will check in with each other during the evening.
- What you will share with other people, and what stays private.
Boundaries can be as relaxed or as detailed as you like. They can also change. What matters is that you both agree, and that you revisit the conversation as you learn what you enjoy.
When you chat with other members, it helps to share your boundaries early and kindly. Something like "We would love to get to know you over a drink first" sets a comfortable tone from the start.
How to say no kindly
Saying no is a normal and healthy part of the lifestyle. It does not need an explanation, and you never need to apologise for it. Try:
- "Thank you, but we are going to pass."
- "We are not feeling it tonight, but lovely to meet you."
- "I am going to sit this one out."
If you feel pressured, you are free to walk away. Good company will always understand.
How to take a no gracefully
Hearing no is part of the lifestyle too, and how you respond says a lot about you.
- Accept the answer the first time.
- Do not ask again or ask why.
- Stay polite and friendly. A smile and "no problem, enjoy your evening" is perfect.
- Do not take it personally. Everyone has their own reasons, and attraction cannot be forced.
Everyday etiquette
- Be discreet. Respect people's privacy online and offline. Do not share names, photos or stories without permission.
- Be honest. Use real photos and accurate details, and be upfront about your plans.
- Be punctual and reliable. If you cannot make it, let people know in good time.
- Be clean and well presented. Good hygiene is the simplest courtesy of all.
- Be considerate. Keep alcohol to a sensible level and look out for each other.
- Be kind. The lifestyle is a community. People remember how you treated them.
Keeping yourself safe
When meeting someone new, choose a public place for a first meeting, tell a friend where you are going and keep personal details such as your address or workplace private until you trust someone. Trust your instincts. If something does not feel right, you are always free to leave.
Good company makes the difference
A clear yes is the best start, and respect is what keeps things fun. The members who enjoy the lifestyle most are usually the kindest and clearest communicators, and they are the ones people love to meet again.
If you are ready to meet like-minded adults who share these values, you can create a profile in a few minutes and start exploring our members at your own pace.
Have a question? Our FAQ and glossary are a good place to start.